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[12 Sep 2003|02:58am] |
And so, gradually, i'm trying..do you know how hard? to integrate the past with now. i don't believe in fate. there's no forgiveness, there must be something more. i'm convinced, regardless of all the times they said that i should forget everything. now i'm not so sure that i can do anything. this broken scene with me above you above me. i feel broken. didn't you hear me?the basement floods, and all the magazines are wet. what's left to salvage?
i've thought about windows before, but this one's too high. filtered light, trees outside. is this the end? fifteen, and bleeding, and leaving myself behind. i have to believe that things would be different if someone had told me what i'm telling you now. if someone had warned me. is this the end of everything? fifteen minutes later, and oh, how i've changed....
Everythings changed. I dont want to be reminded of the past anymore. Anything that has or had to do with anything that mattered to me I need to forget. So I am sorry, devastated, yet relieved to say that my livejournal has just died.. I give up.
the past is just practice
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[09 Sep 2003|10:50pm] |
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I LOVE MY FRIENDS ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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[07 Sep 2003|02:05pm] |
I lost the will to fight
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[06 Sep 2003|09:49am] |
When you do things like this you fill me up with a feeling that cannot be described. an anger and hurt that is so deep words cannot express. why are you playing these games. are you trying to kill me? this entry is for every lie you ever told. and everything you've ever done to me. this is a reminder that i will never consider you from here on out. you can stop controlling my life now. you can continue to ignore me in the hallways. because for the first time. i can honestly say i do not care.
YOU ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS!
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[03 Sep 2003|06:39pm] |
Nothing goes my way anymore. I never know what day it is or where I am going. I never know what to do or say. I don't know what to write anymore. I don't know how to act. I dont know what to think about anything or anyone. I spend at least two hours each day coming up with an intricate idea in my head plotting the cancellation of school the following day. Get me out of here. I promise if you take me away I will be ok. JUST GET ME THE FUCK OUT.
I am ready for you to hurt me this time
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[30 Aug 2003|04:57pm] |
I love how I am watching my life dwindle away to nothing. one death after another. the people who i thought would always be around. the people i thought i'd see on graduation day with bouquets of roses in their hands congratulating me on making it through. everything stable that once was has slowly deteriorated. is there just one thing that i can fall back on? one thing that has been and always will be the same? theres not one thing. if you dont have anything to fall back on what do you do when you feel yourself leaning backwards. when you know you cannot catch your own fall. who will catch you when they've all gone away? what happens when no one is there. theres no one to catch you. you fall.I think I have fallen...
RIP Robbie<3
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[27 Aug 2003|06:02pm] |
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school. ah. the guidance counselors wont change my schedule. no ones in my classes. my lunch is lame as fuck. boarding school here i come. or something of the sort.
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| i hate the world today... |
[26 Aug 2003|05:00pm] |
maybe drop a few pounds. get some implants.
would that work for you... is there anything else i can do for you?
is it possible it will be better then?
we wont fight as much you say?
why do i even bother? i ask myself everyday. every fucking day
take me as i am...
I know your answer. sayonara sweetheart
ps. school is lame. its bullshit. its pointless. its a waste of time. enough said.
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| SCHOOL NEVER NEVER |
[23 Aug 2003|10:03am] |
I am all about campfires. and marshmellows. hooray for main st.'s power being out.we were all about fucking shit up. cheers to garages. hell yes to perkins very early. yea yea to bushes with bookbags. and mad grassblowers. thumbs down to tonight being the last night of summer. make it good everyone. summer wont be back for another year. and the thought of it puts tears in my eyes.
.. did anyone else think that this summer things would fall back into place? i love how its basically over. and nothings fixed. it makes me cry. everyone please get back together. why did you all have to break up? and why the fuck do i care so much? </3
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[22 Aug 2003|12:02pm] |
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I came home for once last night. the only thing i could think about was what the fuck did i say to him outside. i know you asked me. and i still have no idea. i mean, i know i said small things like hey etc etc. but what could i have said to the significance that you would ask me about it? Sometimes I wonder if you ask me these things just to get rid of me. just so we can be in a fight and you won't have to talk to me. just because you know i won't remember. because I dont remember. and it's driving me insane.ITS DRIVING ME INSANE.</3
ps. i miss callie :(
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[21 Aug 2003|06:05pm] |
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You know someone really loves you when theyve seen you in the worst states and instead of turning away they take care of you. i think i owe someone a big thank you<3 and i hate people right now. i hate them for telling me and almost convincing me that someone i really care about is a bad guy. but i decided that i really dont give a shit what any of you think anymore. because you're wrong. you have absolutely no idea. so everyone just stop trying to tell me differently. dont tell me what makes me happy. i believe that i am the one that knows. and i know that he is the only one who makes me smile. so fuck off everyone. just fuck off.
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| and i've tried to convince myself that i dont care. |
[19 Aug 2003|12:28pm] |
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Last night everything seemed so perfect. and normal. how it has always been and it was so comforting. but i think that it made it so much worse when i had to wake up in the morning. and on the car ride home remember that it was all too good to be true. that things are not the same as they used to be. that everyone and everything has changed. that all our friends have gone their separate ways. last summer and for part of the school year this year i thought that high school was going to be the greatest thing because we'd all be together. everyone was friends. we all hung out everyday. all i want to know is what happened. how did things end up like this? and why did everything have to change? why do i feel like i am the only one that misses it at all? all everyone talks about is how much they hate Stroudsburg. and its true. i do as well. but when everyone was together, i don't know. i just felt like Stroudsburg wasn't all that bad... </3
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[17 Aug 2003|01:51pm] |
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camping last night. bobcats are bad news. however i am a little disappointed we never got to see one. just the noises were enough i suppose.
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[15 Aug 2003|10:51pm] |
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campfire by the water with the clearest sky imagineable. it eases me to know that stars are the same everywhere. i can look at them and pretend i am anywhere but here<3
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[09 Aug 2003|07:04pm] |
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i am so jealous right now of everyone in the world who is not me.
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[07 Aug 2003|09:18pm] |
finally i have returned to this hell that they call a town. i miss parrish and everyone else in new york already. i love you all so much<3 i feel so alone by myself in my room i am not used to it at all. how fucking depressing.... as soon as i get the chance i will be up there again ♥
warped tour tomorrow. yea bitch.
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[05 Aug 2003|06:34pm] |
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as i burn this permanent scar of a broken heart upon my body i am guaranteed remembrance of this day forever.
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| never to return... |
[05 Aug 2003|01:13pm] |
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I love it here. I never want to come home. I know when I do it's going to be the same old shit.. and o i am looking foward to it o yes i am. </3 not..
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| goodbye farewell. |
[02 Aug 2003|12:09am] |
an escape from stroudsburg pa is always inviting. far far away from our shitty town and lovin it ♥
endive rocked our world tonight. as did the sound of the smashing of eggs on multiple car windows. as well as haunted orphanages. next time it may be a good idea to bring a flashlight...
i miss a couple of you already of course. you know who you are<3
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[31 Jul 2003|04:52pm] |
patent pending is fucking amazing is all i have to say about that. refer to connor oberst as simply a casual "connor". on tour with the best bands like its nothing. average kids with the most incredible lives and personalities. i am fucking jealous. well me callie randy josh anthony scott and the band rocked stroudsburg and the surrounding areas tonight. yea yea.
i am in love with tonight<3
ps. cheers to the back of convertable jeeps at midnight with the rain pouring down and your hair blowing in the wind ♥
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